Being a Superhero

Being a Superhero


Being a superhero might look like a lot of fun. But is it really like in films or comic books?


Voiced by Larry Tallant

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Being a Superhero

Being a superhero might look like a lot of fun. But really it isn't like in films or comic books. Those guys just show all the fun stuff. I have to spend every Tuesday scrubbing my suit clean. I scare a lot of pigeons swinging around the city.

Tuesday is a poop cleaning night. Wednesday I have to go file a report with my lawyer about all these citizens' arrests I keep making. It is best to do this Wednesday, my suit is cleanest from the previous night's cleaning and it helps to make a good impression. The police usually hate you too for making them look really bad.

They wanted me to start a Spiderman school once. I wasn't keen on that idea. Too many wannabes. My life is being Spiderman, it isn't as good when there are Spidermen. That's just the things I have to deal with when I'm Spiderman. I'm really two people. But the people only care about the one who fights crime.

The guys who own the right to my image, they own a sportswear company that makes lightweight leotards. In exchange for payment, they get my image rights and profits! I never knew I was going to be in films or have comic books written about me. I just wanted to help the city.

So I'm sad about being broke. It means when my keys fly off while I'm saving somebody just around a corner I can't afford a locksmith and have to break my window to get in. Two things about this: I have no one to leave a spare set of keys with, and I cannot afford a new window either so there is a piece of cardboard instead of window glass.

Now this so-called window makes me think that a Spiderman School was not such a bad idea after all, but I missed the boat.

And all my enemies! I can barely go out for pizza without someone saying I locked up their cousin, or they caught their hair in the webs I'd left on a few lampposts in the city. But then there are my other weird part-animal enemies.

Legal fees, unwanted responsibility, mundane and animalistic enemies. The life of Spiderman is a life of sadness. Hopefully, I can sort out my image rights before and the superhero phase is over again. Then I can just go and swing around somewhere warm, on the beach, palm trees, scuba diving, fish.

But not today. Today I have to sit on a rooftop and watch some fancy people in fancy cars drive down a road. Swing after them and try to make a good commercial for the tourist board.