The woman I love is dead.
“There is an unspoken rule: be authoritative and deceive. No foibles, no pain, no regrets. And when the crucial game starts, you will always have the advantage of a man of cool judgment” – those words were always spoken by the greatest fraud, the cleverest doctor and the most receptive father in the world - my father, Dr. Checker. 80% of human communication is nonverbal, or so called body language. And my father's usual posture, facial expression and gestures tell people he is interacting with that he is the boss here. I have always behaved the other way round. In my childhood I would start stuttering, biting my lips and mumbling as soon as anyone asked me a question. This fact indicates that I was extremely shy and not self-confident.
I want to clarify that now I'm an adult and a handsome man, trying to look brave and outgoing. But appearances can be deceptive and deep inside I'm still a very irresolute guy.
When I met her and my father was observing me trying to strike up some romantic relationship with her, he told me: “Don't try to understand a woman. Conquer her” And I was conquering. I was conscious that the best weapon must be self-assurance and even impudence. Our relationshipwere passionate. I flattered, she pursed her lips. I lied, she cried. Our neighbors spread rumors.
Sometimes it was difficult to convey feelings and even to understand each other. There were moments when she tilted her head and stared at me in silence. I could never understand what this look stood for and felt quite under surveillance. But now I miss those moments the most.
One evening she was washing cutlery in the kitchen and I was sitting in the living-room in front of the TV. And suddenly she asked:
- Do you think your father is lonely? I mean, do you think he is happy?
- Well, he is a realistic man. He knows that happiness is just waiting for something better to come.
- Is that what you call realistic? Maybe he is masquerading as a realist. But face the truth: he's a cynic. And isn't it pathetic? His life is empty without love and friends.
- Comes with the job, - I gabbled, trying not to blurt out what my father's job was.
- People, who are guarded, - she continued, - are afraid that you can see right through them. Their confident gestures denote fear.
I believed my father was an ideal man. But also I realized that in trying to be like him I was loosing something important. I have never been happy and I have never let myself love freely. I didn't reply anything that evening but after her death I realized I had been wrong.
I wish I could get her back and be more sincere and open with her.
There is an unspoken rule: “There are no mistakes. Only lessons”