When it's cold in the house
Central heating has a life of its own. Like your ex, it's insufficient, irregular, unreliable and never there when you need it the most. Here's how to keep yourself warm while you're waiting for the pipes to come alive with the gurgle of hot water.
Step 0: get a one-way ticket to some place warm. Never come back.
Step 0, take two: wake up. Scrape the frozen tears off your cheeks and face reality.
Step 1: winter proof your house. Put self-adhesive rubber seals around doors and windows, insulate window panes with bubble wrap. Make draught excluders by cutting old tights and stuffing them with socks. Or cut up that hideous Christmas sweater you've been wearing “ironically.” Your choice. (Hint: pick the sweater).
Step 2: get a cat. Not only will he find the warmest spot in your apartment, it will eventually allow you to curl in there with him. The operative word here is “ eventually.”
Step 3: cover the floors with carpets, rugs, blankets, cat skin (sorry, fur!).
Step 4: shower with your door open – let the warm, steamy air travel through your apartment and warm it up. If your hot water's been turned off since June, revisit step 0.
Step 3: start drinking heavily. Hot tea, hot chocolate, hot apple cider, hot soup – any hot liquid will do as long as there's also brandy in it.
Step 4: cuddle someone. And by “someone” we mean your laptop, because hey, let's be realistic here, right? Your Mac will give off more heat if you have a picture of a hot guy as your screen saver - guaranteed.
Step 5: when all else fails, bundle up and think warm thoughts.